


Triangles

by Lucy410



Category: Star Trek: Enterprise
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-08
Updated: 2014-07-08
Packaged: 2018-02-08 00:04:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1919196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lucy410/pseuds/Lucy410
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jon, Trip and Malcolm contemplate love and each other</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Jon

{Jon}

I've been lying awake for hours watching you sleep. I fear this might be the only chance I'm ever going to get and I don't want to miss a second. You're so peaceful, not the tangled ball of nerves you are during the day, especially around me.

It took me a long time to realise that it wasn't just because I'm your commanding officer. It took Trip to make me see. I guess he's always been able to see through me and now it would seem he's doing the same service for you as well. I'm jealous of the friendship that you and Trip share, knowing that that friendship might be something more, something deeper.

I feel I should want to dance around the room but that might mean I'd miss the ghost of a sigh or a smile. You smile a lot in your sleep; I hope it means you're dreaming about me. No, I take that back. What we had, what we shared was so special that I want to lock the moment into my memory and never forget it. I don't want to spoil it but I know I'm about to.

I can't stay, can't let you wake up and find me here in your bed. You were flattered by my interest, by my desire but tomorrow it'll be different. Tomorrow I will once more be your Captain, tomorrow you'll remember how I kissed you, how I left you with no choice but to capitulate and although I know that is what you wanted, tomorrow it will seem inappropriate.

I creep from the bed and you mumble but don't wake. I breathe out and start to collect up my clothing, dressing swiftly and silently. If you wake it would spoil this moment and I want to get away with as much dignity as possible.

"Goodbye Malcolm," I barely whisper the words and though I know I shouldn't I bend and kiss your lips, feeling pain ripping through me as I do so. My one hope is that you'll hold this memory as dear as I do. Please Malcolm don't forget me.

Outside in the corridor the air seems cooler. I'm still holding my uniform jacket and the flesh on my arms is covered with goosebumps. With a faint whoosh the door closes behind me, finally sealing you from my sight and turning to go back to my own lonely quarters I see Trip, blonde hair rumpled, eyes reddened and swollen, watching. There's nothing I can say to him, no way to ease the hurt inside both of us and so I leave and go back to my quarters, alone.


	2. Trip

{Trip}

I’ve been leaning against this wall so long my legs have gone to sleep. If I had to move I’d fall over. A smile curls my lips at the thought and it’s odd isn’t it, how even in the depths of despair you can still find things funny? It’s not right, my subconscious mocking me like this.

Did I just say those words out loud? Good job it’s the middle of the night, if such a thing could be said to exist out here, less people around to notice me going quietly mad.

From here I can see the door to Malcolm’s quarters, there are other doors too but his is the only one I’m interested in. They’re in there, Malcolm and the Cap’n and just to torture me my brain keeps projecting pictures of what they might be doing on the inside of my skull.

The worst thing though is what I saw just before the door closed. Malcolm was pinned up against the wall by Jon and those grey eyes of his they were brimming over with desire, the way one day I had hoped they’d look at me.

Not that I’ve been standing out here ever since though. A man has to deal with his emotions in private and that’s what I did. I went away, I dealt with them and then I came back. I’m not sure why. What am I gonna do? Cook up some elaborate emergency in which the engines are about to explode just to separate them? I’d be busted down to steward for endangering the ship and I wouldn’t blame the Cap’n for doing it either.

‘Sides I only have myself to blame for this fiasco. Think I’ve tried to hide the truth, even from myself, but it’s god’s honest truth. Beats me why I got involved in the first place, guess I was just trying to be a good friend; I won’t make that mistake again in a hurry.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So me and the Cap’n, we’re sitting in his quarters having a nice companionable drink when out of the blue he starts talking about Malcolm.

“So do you think he’ll ask for a transfer?”

“What?” I hadn’t been listening.

“Malcolm,” Jon looked up at me and I forced a smile. “I know you’re friends and I just wondered if he’d said anything.”

“About what?”

“His problem with me.” He sounded genuinely worried. I guess Jon’s one of those people who likes to think that everybody likes him.

“I wasn’t aware that he had.” The intense worry on Jon’s face scared me a little. I’d never known him to be quite this concerned about how someone might or might not feel about him. “Look I’ll talk to him for you, least I can do.”

You know if I had my time back again I wouldn’t say those words, maybe then I wouldn’t be stood here like some spare part but of course I did say them and that meant that I had to talk to Malcolm.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

First time I met Malcolm I was convinced I wouldn’t like him. He was so buttoned up I doubted that he ever got undressed even to take a shower, ain’t that a picture? But little by little I got to like him, eventually I even got to feeling I knew him a little bit and then one day I think I fell in love with him. Now I’m no expert on these feelings but increasingly often I’d find myself seeking him out, talking Travis and Hoshi into games of poker just so as I could spend more time with him.

So I guess what I’m saying is that on the face of it I was looking forward to talking to Malcolm about Jon. I should have known better.

“He cares,” I said slowly, “that doesn’t make him a bad captain.”

Malcolm’s grey eyes were wary but there was anger in his voice when he replied. “That isn’t what I meant. It’s just he makes it difficult to work under his command.”

“Why?” Trip Tucker you’re an idiot but there was no wishing the words back into my mouth.

“Because I like him.” I didn’t quite catch the words the first time so I asked him again. The second time I didn’t hear him over the sound of my heart breaking.

“In fact I think I love him.”

One of these days I’ll stop doing that. One day I will actually stop to think before I open my big mouth.

Remembering the rest is too painful right now. Remembering the rest is why my eyes feel so sore.

There’s a faint noise and I see Malcolm’s door is open. Jon’s standing there, his uniform jacket flung carelessly across his left arm, just looking at Malcolm. There’s a look of desolation on his face but my own pain is too acute to allow for sympathy. From where I’m standing I can see Malcolm too. His knees are drawn up to his chest, his eyes are closed but I know he’s shamming.

Jon steps back and the door closes. He’s going back to his quarters and as he turns he sees me. There’s no acknowledgement, no friendly nod of the head or smile from either of us.

Why is he leaving? If it had been me in there wild horses couldn’t have dragged me away. Jon’s gone and my feet have brought me to Malcolm’s door, so what am I gonna do?


	3. Malcolm

{Malcolm}

That was one hell of a ride. I wasn’t sure what to think when Captain Archer came to my quarters but I wasn’t expecting that. And now he’s gone. He thought I was asleep and perhaps I should have said something but it’s not my place to question the Captain’s decisions.

What I really want to do now is burrow under the sheet and stay there. What happened between us was wonderful, unexpected but bloody wonderful but he’s the captain. It should never have happened. What would the rest of the crew say if they knew? What would Trip say?

Well I do know that my being attracted to men wouldn’t phase him. I told him I was in love with Captain Archer and he didn’t bat an eyelid. I wonder what he’d do if I told him how I really felt about him?

When he asked me how I felt about the Captain I wanted to tell him but he didn’t say anything and I’m not one for volunteering information. I like them both but I won’t ever admit to that. How can I?

Captain Archer left so precipitously that I wonder if perhaps he’s having second thoughts. Maybe it’s the inequality of the relationship that worries him. Relationship? I shouldn’t use that word, it implies something much deeper and much less sordid than what happened between the Captain and myself tonight. 

I don’t regret it but I thought one night stands were a thing of the past. But then the last thing I expected when I came on board Enterprise was that I’d fall for not only the captain but the chief engineer as well. It seems that I can’t have either of them.

I wish I knew why the Captain left, he never struck me as being the kind of man to behave that way. If he had then nothing would have happened between us.

I roll over in the bed, pulling the sheet around my body. I can still smell him, still feel him inside me. I surrendered myself to him completely, unequivocally and yet he left me.

I’m going to ask him why and hastily I begin to dress, finally shoving my feet into my boots. I have to go now before my conviction wavers and I resign myself to never knowing. But when the door slides open I find myself standing face to face with Trip.


	4. Trip

{Trip}

"Hi Malcolm." He's staring at me like he's seen a ghost. "Going somewhere?"

"I.." Finding me outside his door seems to have robbed the man of the power of speech.

His hands are smoothing down his hair and I resist the urge to tell him to stop, that I like that rumpled, just got out of bed look. Of course that leads me right back to who it is he's been in bed with and suddenly I wish I wasn't here. Stupid to think that Malcolm might want me, I'm not a patch on the Cap'n. I don't know what's worse, that thought or the fact that I can actually smell Jon on him. It's a spicy scent and it makes my nose itch.

"What are you doing here? Do you know what time it is?"

Yeah there's the Malcolm that I know and love, forever ready with the cutting comment. I don't quite know what to say to him so I kiss him instead.

"Mmpf.."

Of course what surprises me most is when Malcolm starts kissing me back. He pulls me forward into his room and for a while I just let myself enjoy the moment but it can't last and it doesn't. I pull away, breathing hard, Malcolm's face is flushed and there's a strange glimmer in his eyes, like he's just had something confirmed.

Gods I feel a complete idiot, forcing myself on a man who could flatten me without breaking a sweat. Funny though, he doesn't look angry.

"I'm sorry Mal," I mutter, "that wasn't...that isn't..." Damn this loss of speech thing must be catching.

"I enjoyed it," he states calmly and I almost fall over.

"What about Jon?" Okay so maybe I haven't quite got the hang of this not opening my big mouth thing because there's a sudden look of pain in Malcolm's eyes.

Malcolm shrugs and then he looks up at me with no attempt to hide the emotion on his face. "He left." His voice is full of such desolation that it makes me want to cry.

"I'm sure he had a good reason." I mumble, although I'm not sure why I'm defending Jon. "Don't judge him too harshly."

"Why did you kiss me?"

"You need to ask?" There's a flare of irritation in his eyes at my question.

"You're asking me not to judge the Captain for what he did and yet you kiss me." Malcolm's like Porthos with a bone sometimes, just won't let go. I'd kiss him again in a heartbeat, hell I'd like to rip off his clothes and do things to him that I shouldn't mention in polite conversation but I can't. Thing is I've never been particularly into triangles; I'm more of a circle guy. You know one side and yet at the same time an infinite number of sides, kinda mind blowing concept if you stop to think about it.

"A moment of weakness." I'm aiming for a light jovial tone but Malcolm's gone white and I think I might have gone too far.

"Is that all it was?" There's a whole universe in his eyes and I can't do it, I know I should step back, that it's already gone too far but I can't. Jon's leaving hurt Malcolm and I can't walk away. I think Malcolm's read the answer in my eyes because he smiles.

"There's something I forgot to mention when we talked about the Captain," Malcolm pauses and folds his arms across his chest. "I love you Trip." He doesn't say anymore, just stares at me, his face a bright red. "I love you both." His voice is so quiet and so confused. "When I was with the Cap.. with Jon, I thought about you. I wondered if you would feel different, I.."

He doesn't get the chance to say any more because I seize the moment and kiss him again. I can feel his need and sure as hell I know he can feel mine but it's not right, not now, not like this.

"Talk to Jon, Malcolm please," part of me is shouting, trying to stop me saying the words that need to be said. "He's got first claim on you." It's true, at least from my point of view. Jon's my friend and I can't just steal Malcolm away from him.

Malcolm nods, his face inscrutable and then stifles a yawn. "I think I'll get some sleep."

It's a dismissal and I turn to leave.

"Trip?"

I turn around. Malcolm's removed his boots and is sitting on the edge of his bed, grey eyes wary. "Will you stay?"

All my good intentions run out of the door when I hear the plea in his voice and I find myself lying on Malcolm's bed, his warm body spooned against mine, listening to the steady rhythm of his breathing as he slides towards sleep and I can't help feeling guilty for enjoying it, for being glad that Malcolm turned to me and that I'll be here in the morning when he wakes up.


	5. Jon

{Jon}

I shouldn’t have left Malcolm, not without trying to talk to him first. That thought has been reverberating in my head all night. I hope he’ll understand why and forgive me but right now I’ve got a feeling that isn’t going to happen.

“You wanted to see me sir?”

He’s poker-straight in front of me, his voice flat and emotionless, his face even more of a mask than it is usually. In part this is why I left, this model Starfleet officer in front of me, an officer who regards fraternisation as a deadly sin and yet I can’t still the little voice inside reminding me that he hadn’t objected to a little fraternising last night. There’s an even smaller voice telling me that this is what attracted me in the first place, his uprightness and strength of belief. Well there are other things too but these are the qualities that intrigued me from our first meeting.

I’ve always tried to be a friend to the people who have worked with me, it makes my job much easier if people feel they can talk to me and it makes for a happier staff and by and large I think I’ve done a good job but not with Malcolm. He resisted me from the start, making it clear that this wasn’t how he expected a superior officer to behave and I made breaking through his crusty exterior a personal challenge. I thought I’d failed and I was convinced that my efforts had irritated Malcolm to the extent that he might consider requesting a transfer. After all, did he actually want a captain who is constantly trying to share confidences and be a friend when all he really wanted was to be left alone to do his job?

That’s why I spoke to Trip, I was worried in case I’d pushed Malcolm too far. When he told me how Malcolm really felt I was stunned because I’d never allowed the thought that Malcolm might feel that way enter my head. That’s why I went to his quarters to find out if it was real and I got my answer. I would never have imagined that Malcolm could be so... pliable.

“Sir?”

He doesn’t look pliable now and if I didn’t know Malcolm better I’d say that every rigid line of his body was screaming with indignation at me.

“Sit down Malcolm.” I want the man to relax a little. I’d like to see another glimpse of the Malcolm that I held in my arms last night, the man who cried out my name until his voice cracked and I was sure the whole ship would hear him but he’s well hidden behind those inscrutable eyes.

As I look at him, wondering which words I should use to try to mitigate my guilt I suddenly realise that perhaps now is the wrong time to do this. We’re both on duty and if I speak now I could make matters worse. But how can I get through the rest of the day if I don’t at least try to explain my reasons for leaving?

“I’m sorry.” I had the whole night to think about it and those are the only two words I can think of. No explanations, just contrition.

There’s a flicker of pain in Malcolm’s eyes and he looks at me, unsmiling and says with an unusual emphasis, “I’m sorry too.”


	6. Malcolm

{Malcolm}

“I’m sorry too.” And I mean it, although I realise the Captain has probably interpreted my words to mean something else. I’m not sure that discussing what happened between us is the right thing to do at the moment and where does Trip fit into all of this? Should I tell the anxious-eyed man sitting opposite me that I spent the rest of the night with his best friend? I never meant for this to get so complicated. Falling in love was the furthest thing from my mind when I came aboard Enterprise, falling in love twice.. I never even countenanced it. Inexplicably I'm reminded of the film Trip and I watched two nights ago but which one of us is Rick?

I want to take his hand, tell him that I forgive him for leaving but I can’t. Maybe eventually I’ll do it but not right now. I’m awash with conflicting emotions and suddenly I decide that time and place aren’t important.

“Why did you leave?” Briefly I see surprise in the Captain’s eyes. “Did you decide you made a mistake?” There’s no hiding the bitterness in my voice.

“No. It wasn’t a mistake. It was wonderful.” The words are sincere, Jon’s eyes are shining at the memory of last night. “But,” he says and the light fades, “the reality of it is I’m the Captain.”

“And that means we can’t be together?”

“It makes it difficult. For both of us.” Jon’s looking straight at me but I don’t so much as blink, I’m determined not to make this easy for him.

“So it was just a one night stand?” I force the words out. “A never to be repeated performance?”

“You want more?”

Briefly I imagine myself vaulting across the Captain’s desk and pinning him to the wall of the office while I ravish him but it’s not a good plan.

“I’m sorry Malcolm.” 

I can’t believe he’s doing this, dismissing me and my feelings like this. You came to me Jon, you’re the one who started this. That is what I’d like to tell him but when I open my mouth the words that actually emerge are, “after you left last night I spent the rest of the night with Trip.”

I honestly don’t know why I said it, maybe I’m hoping that Jon will become insanely jealous and declare his undying love for me. But what actually happens is that his face closes down. That’s a bad description but it fits what happened. One minute the Captain’s there and then it looks as though he’s left his body. I reach out to take his hand, maybe physical contact will help but he steps back and now I’m angry again.

“I didn’t ask for this,” I struggle to keep my tone respectful, “to fall in love with two men.” There’s acceptance in Jon’s eyes and I realise that he knew. “Trip wants me.” He’s folded his arms across his chest but I don’t let my resolve waver, no matter how much pain is in his eyes. “Last night you left and Trip was there for me. This morning he knew I was coming to see you but he didn’t ask me what I was going to do, what I was going to say to you.”

“There must be a reason why you’re telling me this.”

Anger is making my tongue run away with itself but knowing this doesn’t make me stop it.

“I don’t understand how after last night you can just turn your back on me.”

He doesn’t answer but he’s looking straight at me and suddenly I do understand. It’s because of Enterprise. Jon’s first loyalty is to her and to her crew and it always will be. He doesn’t want to give me second best. It has to be all or nothing with Jon and so I get nothing.

“You have Trip.” His voice is utterly emotionless but the hurt in his eyes makes my earlier resolution waver.

“You need to give me a reason to choose you.” I tell him as the door whooshes open.


	7. Trip

{Trip}

“You need to give me a reason to choose you.” Those words make me want to turn around and keep on going, away from Malcolm and my crazy feelings for him but Jon’s seen me. I want to make it look as though I was just passing on my way to rebuilding the warp engine or something but I know that Jon knows exactly why I’m here.

I gave Malcolm what comfort I could last night but I should have known he’d still want Jon. Earlier I tried to convince myself that all he needed was closure, to know why Jon walked out on him but the way Malcolm’s looking now, I know that it’s not that simple. I don’t want to be Jon’s rival, not for Malcolm, or anyone for that matter. I guess I love them both and in a twisted way it makes my decision easier.

“You shouldn’t have to settle for second best.” Jon’s carrying on an earlier conversation but I decide to butt in anyway.

“You’re not second best.” I’ve never really been a fan of self-sacrifice but Jon, on the other hand, he knows all about it. I guess he wouldn’t be a starship captain if he didn’t. Well maybe it’s about time I gave it a try.

“Enterprise..”

“Has the best captain in the whole of Starfleet. The whole crew knows it and they wouldn’t mind if he got romantically entangled along the way.”

Malcolm’s staring at me as though I’ve grown a second head but I keep on going. I know what I’m giving up but Malcolm and Jon were made for each other. I can’t stand in the way of that no matter how much it hurts.

“I meant what I said last night,” Malcolm steps towards me, his grey eyes intent on convincing me and I know he’s made up his mind.

“I know you did but you belong with Jon.” It’s hard to believe those words are leaving my lips and I can’t believe I’m so calm about all of this. Last night I thought I’d won Malcolm. Now I realise I just had him on loan for a short time and now it’s time to give him back. “I love you Malcolm.” I know I didn’t mean to say those words. “I want you to be happy.”

“Thank you.” Jon’s smiling at me and I really have to get out of here.

“Well those warp coils won’t realign themselves.” It’s a stupid excuse for leaving but I can’t stay here a moment longer, pretending that I don’t care, that this isn’t the most painful thing I’ve done in my entire life.

“Are you going to be all right?” There’s deep concern in Malcolm’s eyes and I’m touched.

“I’ll be fine.” I shrug and smile. “Hey, we’ll always have Paris.”

The biggest grin I think I’ve ever seen envelops Malcolm’s face and he hugs me.

As I turn to leave Jon stretches out a hand. “Are you sure you’ll be all right?”

I smile and stepping through the doorway I realise that not only will I be all right but in fact I’ll be absolutely fine.

The End


End file.
